Grant me just these three, a'ight?

In an effort to ensure irritant-free rap listening in 2009*, I made this lil' ol' list.**

1. "Ch__ky-eyed". I remember hearing this in a rhyme several years ago, and I blanched. I seem to be hearing it with alarming frequency nowadays. Seriously, there are a billion ways to say "I'm high", and you pick this one? If you're the type that says this, don't be surprised if I yakuza kick you in the face if I see you in the street.***
2. "swallow my kids/children". Look, I know a lot of you emcees enjoy being "gutta" or "gully", or whatever the fuck is fashionable for "nasty", but there's no reason to sully something as lovely as oral gratification. I'm still reeling from the advent of "gettin' brain". Assholes.
3. Excessive producer shout-outs. Hey, I know kids don't give a fuck about liner notes like I did (and still do), but beatmaker acknowledgments of the "(producer's name), you (mental ailment) for this one!" variety have got to stop, because they're so incredibly played. Like, work his name nicely into the chorus or something. Subtlety is everything. I ain't too crazy about fake banter from the booth between the rapper and those behind the boards, either. Keep that shit genuine.

There are a couple of things I should mention, too, but I don't want this to be a giant bitchfest. All I'm saying is that autotuning has worn out its welcome (thanks for the reminder, DD. Vocoders and talkboxes are dope, though – R.I.P. Roger Troutman.), and hating on gay folks makes you look like a closet case, not to mention, stupid. (ain't that right, Trick Trick?)****.

* This was done with tongue firmly planted in cheek. To expect change would be silly.
** Props must be given to Matt Groening and his "forbidden words" list in Life in Hell/Life is Swell.
*** I'm not a violent person, so this won't actually happen. You can picture that shit, though, right?
**** By linking that story, I'm adding to the giant pile of comments/pingbacks at allhiphop.com. Let it be said here that I'm not in need of drama, so you can keep any hateful comments to yourself. Thanks.